Juan Uribe's Diary: Part 2

Despite a total security lockdown in the dugout and clubhouse, batboys continue to take on enormous risks smuggling out portions of Juan Uribe's diary.
This is only the second portion of Juan's diary to make it out. Like the first, it was delivered by a dying batboy.
It is this diary, written on Dodger Dog wrappers and binded with dreadlocks left by Manny Ramirez, through which we learn about the daily horrors a two-time World Series hero must face in his struggle to return to playing every day...
June 17, 2013

Dear Diary;

Today is an off day for the team, but I don't have the day off. I have to clean Nick Punto's uniform and organize the team's bubble gum supply by flavor and color. Then, I'll have to donate one
of my hamstrings so the team doctor can fix up another Dodger!

It sucks that I can't go out and enjoy a day off in New York City, but it could be worse. The last time the Dodgers had a day off, I had to drive to Albuquerque and back.

They made me pick up Justin Sellers, who had just been optioned to AAA, at Dodger Stadium and drop him off at Isotopes Stadium. I was pulled over 18 times along I-40 in Arizona and I was asked to consent to 13 different searches of my car, but I never got any tickets. Strange.

Dodgers / Jon SooHoo
Now that I think about it, a 12-hour car ride with Tattoo Boy and a 12-hour ride back alone are more agreeable than what I usually have to put up with around here. Just last week, Hyun-Jin Ryu stole my protein bar and hit me over the head with it.

Dodgers / Jon SooHoo
Why does everybody mock me so much? I'm still doing so much better this year than either of the last two years I was with the Dodgers. I'm not hurt, but I'm still not starting more than a couple-few times per week. Look what I've done part-time this year compared to the other two years I was here and hurt:

Juan creates his own primitive, yet handy stat boxes for his diary.
He gets all of his numbers from his page at Baseball-Reference
Even with improved stats like that, I still have to sit on the bench so Luis Cruz can play third base. My batting average this year (.274) is more than twice as high as Cruz's. If Luis doubled his OPS (.356), he'd still be below my OPS (.778). Hell, take his OPS and throw in his batting average three times, and he'd still be below my OPS. He's that bad and I'm that much better.

Did you know I have an honest-to-goodness stolen base this year? Yeah, a real stolen base all my own! I even scored from third on a sacrifice fly to shallow left field. OK, fine, Juan Pierre was the left fielder and his arm strength matches my arm strength when my arm is broken, but I still ran hard for 90 feet, dammit!

I guess it doesn't matter much. I'm down to the final months of my sentence and I'll have all of October to be free. Then I'll find a new dugout to call home. I'll be free of being hassled by rookies:

I dream of some wonderful dugout where baseball players sit only when they have to, not because they're forced to day after day. I dream of throwing up my jazz hands again after big hits. I dream of having coaches who don't mix weird drinks that make you feel sleepy and break out into hives.

Dodgers / Jon SooHoo (top and bottom)
But most of all, I dream about using my bat or my glove to help a team win my third World Series.

Herbert "Lil' Herbie" Brackenshultz
We honor his ultimate sacrifice...

Video of Uribe's harassment from StadiumBound via YouTube

And if you've never checked out Jon SooHoo's Dodgers Photog Blog, then do yourself a big favor and do so now!

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