Beachball Delay Florist & Senior Baseball Correspondent
(Los Angeles, CA) -- The Los Angeles Dodgers organization is considering a formal apology to all vertebrate life on Earth because of Yasiel Puig's outlandish behavior, according to confidential, anonymous sources familiar with knowledge of a situation involving a purported conference call which included participants made aware of ongoing discussions about the issue, reportedly.
|Dodgers / Jon SooHoo|
"What we found out is that a guy can't slide into home after hitting a walkoff home run. He can flip a bat, run a little slower around the bases, leap in the air, toss his helmet, pump his elbow, pump his fists, double point to Jesus, shout, spit out a wad of tobacco, be surrounded by a mosh pit of
teammates who crashed the field before the play is even over, all with fireworks and a celebratory song. However, you can't slide into home, it's like peeing in the other team's Gatorade," the official said.
To make matters worse, Puig autographed and recklessly flung his game jersey into the stands, nearly smothering a little boy sitting behind the dugout. The boy escaped injury, but a new and more dangerous concern emerged-- Puig was now endangering the lives of the most precious fans of all.
What happened yesterday followed a more shocking revelation the previous week that forced the Dodgers to acknowledge the realities of human sexuality and the desires of young, male millionaire athletes. Puig was reported to have asked a woman for her phone number at Dodger Stadium, and he spent time during the All-Star break at the Playboy Mansion.
"We didn't make it clear to the general public that Puig would not be neutered or given a bucket and a blanket and locked into a windowless room at Dodger Stadium between games. It was fair to assume we would do that, but for legal and ethical reasons, as well as the realities of Obamacare and a lack of space, we decided against it."
The apology to all vertebrate life would be unprecedented in professional sports history. Sources say it was originally written to all mammals, but was expanded to vertebrates so the Blue Jays, Cardinals, Diamondbacks, Marlins, Orioles and Rays would be included. Individual apologies would also be made to well-known former players and also, Luis Gonzalez.
"Puig's exuberance and erections are a top internal priority and, in addition to a possible apology, we're working on a plan to reform his behavior thanks to the recommendations from a committee of current players."
That committee includes Ian Kennedy, Jonathan Papelbon and Major League Baseball's most respected moral arbiter, Miguel Montero. Their recommendations were made in private, but they reportedly include limits on Puig's talent and behavior modifications that will help him become far more popular among the other 29 teams.
Through an apology, a new attitude or a mix of both, the Dodgers are scrambling to improve the situation. It's hoped that, somehow, a man of such privilege in Cuba, where he was punished for trying to defect and barely managed to escape with his life later on, despite constant government surveillance, will be able to appreciate the differences between Los Angeles and Communist Havana.
Time is running out. Unless something is done quick, the Dodgers will be forced to continue to rack up wins as easy as Puig racks up hits and enemies. The chorus of complaints will only get louder.
More Puig on Beachball Delay...
... a bedtime story about his first few days with the Dodgers
... more on the wildly embellished feud with Gonzo
...and a comparison (one month ago) between Puig and Dodgers Rookies of the Year.