Uribe's Diary: Juan Annoying Team

Another brave bat boy has made the ultimate sacrifice in the name of truth and justice for Juan Uribe, who's been documenting the harsh conditions a two-time World Series champ has to endure to get even a moderate amount of playing time.
The latest entry of his diary to see the light of day was written on the backs of empty sunflower seed packages, sewn together with laces stolen from Dee Gordon's glove and smuggled out in small pieces that were wrapped inside packages of Quench Gum...
August 13, 2013

Dear diary;

I'm still getting most of the playing time at third base, but life is no better. They've got me running a daycare in the basement. I don't even know who these kids are, they just come out of nowhere, but
I'm legally responsible for them for up to eight hours per day! This can't be legal.

Last week, I had to pay some parents $5,000 because their little boy got into my locker and ended up swallowing a few of those eye black patches. He was fine.

Jon SooHoo, Aug. 10
My locker. I still can't believe they did that to me over the weekend. I finally had it organized just the way I like it. Empanadas here, colognes and hot sauces there, jerseys, lobster bibs, my warmup jacket and cape I wear for clubbing were all hanging up neatly. All my equipment, chargers, "Saved By The Bell" DVD's, shoes, shower scrubbies and my deep fryer were neatly arranged.

They messed it all up because I got to third base and fell for the old hidden ball trick. James Loney, who I thought was my friend, started it by casually throwing the ball to second when I wasn't looking. Before I knew it, Evan Longoria had the ball right behind me. All he had to do was wait for me to step off the bag.

Tim Wallach was standing there the whole time and didn't say anything! Imagine that, my own coach! He must have been in on it.

So, somebody taped one of my favorite cleats to a base. My grandmother gave me that pair of cleats! Adrian Gonzalez presented it to me as a trophy. Can you believe that? He was laughing at me! That man is so slow I could hit a double off the wall and he wouldn't score from third base! The only way he could hit a triple is to hit a home run and stop at third.

Nobody made fun of Wallach.

Jon SooHoo, Aug. 10
Adrian, Ryu and the backup catcher even tricked me. I was just going to get a drink and they said they were playing a Korean card game called "Fizzbin," and lured me in. They had all these crazy rules based on the day of the week, and I lost $20,000 in only ten minutes! I can't believe I fell for that.

Jon SooHoo, Aug. 8 (top), Aug. 9 (bottom)
I don't know why I'm left out of all the fun. Ice cream parties, getting to ride the team plane instead of taking Greyhound, going with Yasiel Puig to the Playboy Mansion. I've had a good season. I've shown improved plate discipline (23 BB, .322 OBP), had seven RBI in a game against the Giants and I lock down the hot corner with my glove like nobody else can on the roster.

Good lord, I was the only one who kept the left side of the infield from falling into a black hole the other night when Dee had three errors!

Yet, I get no respect on or off the field. Mattingly makes me chew his gum between innings because of some strange superstition he picked up with the Yankees. I think he uses baking soda in his toothpaste, too. Gross.
Greinke says his rosin bags always have to weigh precisely 11.35 ounces, which means I have to use a digital scale between innings to top them off. That's tough to do when you're also playing.

One time, I accidentally used some rosin I found in a plastic bag in Ronald Belisario's locker. Beli was furious, said I had wasted some "really good shit." Zack said his fingertips tingled a little all night, but he didn't complain about it. It was a humid night in St. Louis, so I ended up having to pay Beli about $15,000.
I'm worn out. I ran out of juice boxes this morning, so the kids were just hell all day long. I'm even running low on cash, somehow. I have to stop carrying around my checkbook everywhere I go. Vultures.

But I endure. I endure for the promise of a third ring this October. I endure so I can get all of my money back. And I endure because they still let me screw with Hanley Ramirez. They don't mind.

Jon SooHoo, Aug. 2
Learn more about Juan's struggle in parts one and two of his diary.

If you like completely real stories based on actual, verifiable events,
then you won't like my visit from Tommy Lasinkerbell, either.
In memory...
Christian "Lil' Crissy" Salazar,
who gave  his life so we could learn Juan's struggle.

No comments:

Post a Comment