Excusing The Aussie Absences

Time is running out for the Dodgers to come up with excuses to miss the trip to Australia to open the season. Demand is high, but there are priorities. Not everyone is going to be able to skip out on the honor of going halfway around the world to play the first two games of the season in 24 hours, then taking a week off before starting the other 160.

We're not burning up excuses so Dee Gordon can skip out on Australia. Hell, let's name him the Opening Day starting second baseman if it'll keep Alexander Guerrero, someone who needs every day of his Spring Training, from going.

Excuses should be a mix of things like normal baseball injuries, random infections, freak accidents and visa issues. We can take a few amazing coincidences, but not too many. We don't want to cause any suspicion.

Lasorda's Gold Medal at the 2000 Olympics in Sydney proves he's the best man(ager) for the trip.
You're welcome, Mattingly.
Jon SooHoo

Our top two starting pitchers are priorities. Clayton Kershaw can easily report soreness in his non-
throwing shoulder. Perhaps he can have a little fun with the backstory, like saying he slept in an awkward position on the bed at the rental house in Arizona.

For Zack Greinke, I would suggest going with pink eye as a cover story. It's infectious. It's icky. Nobody wants to deal with you. You're a danger to Australia, and you're already not thrilled about going, so everybody wins.

Matt Kemp's already taken care of his excuse. Carl Crawford just needs to schedule his next hamstring pull to hit the day before the trip begins. I don't see how Brian Wilson's beard can pass through Customs, anyway.

You have to figure that visa or immigration issues can maybe lead to one or two Dodgers getting left behind, three if we're stretching it. This is that situation where having Ronald Belisario was a benefit. Plausible deniability.

Hanley's excuse could also be "screwing around when they tried to take a new passport photo."
Dodgers / Jon SooHoo

So, some forms got lost, an arrest in Florida somehow got a certain guy entered into a terror database, a consulate somewhere didn't stamp something correctly and, voila! Hanley Ramirez, Yasiel Puig, Juan Uribe and Hyun-Jin Ryu aren't going, either.

The ideas are endless. You've still got things like surprise demotions to the minors, suspensions for "violating team rules," and ingrown toenails.

There is still time to meet. Veterans like Andre Ethier and Adrian Gonzalez are going to pull rank, so things have to be worked out. Perhaps some sort of competition will take place.

Kenley Jansen might go with the ingrown toenail idea. Just needs to sell it better.
Jon SooHoo

I don't envision anything like the Hunger Games playing out at Camelback Ranch, but whatever it's going to be needs to happen soon, otherwise a couple of Qantas flights are going to be fully booked. Irrational fear of getting Incepted on the Los Angeles-to-Sydney flight. That's another one! See how easy this is?

No matter what, A.J. Ellis is shit out of luck. He went on the goodwill trip earlier this offseason to promote the trip in Australia. They already know he's coming.

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I can promise you this... Katniss Uribedeen is not going to Australia.
Jon SooHoo
 

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